Monday, October 8, 2012

Bury Me in a Cardboard Box, Please

Nothing quite gets you thinking about your mortality like a good car accident.

Someday, I'm going to die, and there's something about that which I want to prepare you all for.  This will be morbid, but it needs to be said, and I want it on record.

If Cindy follows my wishes, then when you say your goodbyes to the dried out shell I leave behind, you'll notice that I'm in a cardboard box.

On the one hand, I hope that this won't offend you.  On the other hand, I'll be dead at the time, so I don't really care either way.  And that's ultimately the point.

Funeral directors make a killing (sorry) because of survivor guilt.  They know the surviving spouse feels guilty because they're still alive, and they know that this topic is not one that most folks want to have with each other when they're alive.  A few well placed comments about "preserving" our loved ones and "honoring" the dead, and you've spent more money on the stiff while they were above ground.

Here's the deal, folks; I don't want to be preserved.  I don't want to be embalmed just to make it easier to get everyone to the funeral; I'd much prefer you left my organs in place when you plant me.  I do not want to be buried in a lead lined steel canister guaranteed to keep out the worms; in fact, I happen to know that if you don't allow a casket at least an outgoing pressure valve, then the build up of gases as we decompose will cause the coffin to explode.

I'm not fooling around, folks.  A decent service should cost no more than about 2k, absolute tops, and I hope someone will man up and remind my wife of this, and help her obey my wishes, so as to keep my family from getting screwed.

I don't care what impression my final arrangements make, but I care very much about the welfare of my family after I go.  The ridiculous amount of cash used in most funerals will be much better spent on the living, and they'll need it.

So please, when that day comes, don't send flowers.  Instead, help my family in whatever way you can.  Help my wife, if I go first.  Help my children, if they can't fend for themselves yet.  I don't plane to leave them penniless, mind, but there's a lot of us Dyers.


  1. Yeah, I'm gonna need moral support for that. I don't normally care very much what people think of me, but I'm not sure I have the guts to lay my beloved to rest in a cardbard box. What would everybody think?? Will pine do?

  2. Why would you bury your organs when you won't need them and they could help other people live? My daddy is alive because of a liver transplant! You want other people to care for your family but would you be an organ donor to help other families? I'm fine with cardboard or cremation.

    1. Maybe because not everybody thinks we should view other human beings as parts stores.

  3. Totally agree. Cardboard box would be great for me. Print up a big disclaimner and tape it on the lid.
    On another note, do you have an issue with organ donation?

  4. You know, I'm not sure. I am currently listed as a donor, and my previous statement wasn't meant to exclude donation; donation! = embalming. That said, I don't like where this leads. I want your loved ones to live. I also want my loved ones to live, but that may change if, years from now, we enter some Faustian situation where I have to choose to euthanize my mother for her parts to save my wife. Deny it if you like, but we approach a slippery slope ending in, say, the Chinese choosing to harvest organs from all of those unwanted little girls rather than just aborting them. I'm glad people are saving lives. I just don't trust humanity with where this may go